Post 18: Me and My Anger Isshas, Part 2

ANGER

Such a small word, but it is full of bite.

And it is an emotion that I fight to control within myself. It is, and has been, one of my worse personal characteristics.

As a result, I've had to attack it. Try to smother it in some way.

And as a result, I got the answer to one of the most interesting answers to a prayer I've ever gotten.

Now, like I said in the past post, I'm extremely passive aggressive. Which I feel is a lot worse than being open with my anger, as I tend to internalize my anger. And I am sure that affects one's emotional and physical health.

However, I will get so fed up at times that I blow. And it is never pretty.

This has happened at work from time to time.

Always some mess going on. I tell you, man... Our management is very very special.

Several years ago, they were extra special. One of the managers was sleeping with the chick that was in charge of the scientific division of our building. So apparently, since dude was laying it down, he pretty much had run of the place. He hijacked equipment from my lab (and of course, my boss blamed me for this, which made me MAD.) Anytime there were job announcements for promotion, I would interview, and dude would be on the panel, and made sure his peeps got in.

It was the worst of times, man. I remember I didn't get a picked for a promotion, and I got called into this black chick's office. She was on the panel. She was so exasperated. "Dr. LadyLee, I'm looking at your curriculum vitae and it is stellar! I fought for you! You were the best person for the job! Please tell me what's going on!"

So we talked. I told her, I know that I'm stellar. I am BRILLIANT.

But the powers that be are screwing. And there is nothing I can do about people sleeping together.

Decisions being made in the bedroom. That has NOTHING to do with me and who I am and my qualifications.

(You know, it's bad when that comes into play).

Yep, I was MAD about stuff. I was coming out on the wrong end of stuff. Anytime there were special projects, these jokers were looking at me. Calling me into special meetings. (Man, this happened even now, 2 days ago. HARD SIGH. Have you been looking at the news? HARD SIGH!). Yet, I can't get the promotions.

Hmmm.

Pissed me off.

I say all that to say this. I'd been internalizing much of this, chewing on it, always thinking about it, mulling over it, meditating on it. Just upset over it all.
Letting it incubate and grow.

It was all in my heart, and whatever's in the heart eventually comes out...

And I had all kinds of blow ups about it.

I was too ashamed to pray about my cuss laden outbursts, but man, I needed some help. I didn't like that part of my psyche. Not at all. I've always been considered a mean person, because I am very quiet. But to open my mouth, and remove all speculation is another matter altogether.

I look back, and I understand a bit about working on establishing and having faith in my relationship with God. I had to get some understanding of Him loving me in the midst of my imperfections, when I was at my most unlovable. I myself tend to look very closely at and tend to develop a very deep admiration for people who freely admit their idiosyncrasies and then commence to working on the spiritual aspect of the problem.

It is my personal opinion that any tangible issue grows out of some deep seeded spiritual problem within myself.

Hence, anger is an expression of fear.

I talked about that in the last post. I must say, I didn't believe it, and had to ponder it, examine my own life, etc... I mean, it's just too simple.

I had to pray for a solution to my problems. I started handling my fears. Started casting them down, replacing them with faith filled words. (Uh, I have a long strongholds post coming up on Sunday).

That worked wonders for the Oldgirl!

BUT, in the process, I got an answer to my anger issue, a most unexpected answer.

"If you're angry, wait 72 hours before you go say anything. If you feel the same after 72 hours, then feel free to let her rip!"

Interesting. My thoughts (as usual)... "That's bogus!"

Or is it?

I had a bad temper, was ornery, and was thought of as dramatic. Yes I was. Because jokers were piling work on me. Busters. And me, who already don't talk much as it is, started tripping out on peeps.

It was my way of doing things, you see. My solution to the problem. I figured out that if people thought you were a tad bit "touched" in the head (just a little, not much) they would walk away.

So, I started (very reluctantly, and under much direst), putting this answer into effect. It felt silly. I remember looking at my watch and thinking "Okay, in 72 hours, I'ma have my say!"

You know what happened?

By the time 72 hours had passed, I was no longer angry. I was like "Whatever man. I don't care. I'ma do my work, do the best I can, and keep it moving. Ya'll win. Who cares."

Then... I noticed something else happened. Something more incredible.

The mess I was upset about was taken care of in that 72 hour period. It was a trip. Now THAT is hard to explain. Situations I was angry about, where I could see no way out of it... well, miraculously, other solutions were found that didn't involve me.

And honey? That was find with me.

It increased my faith. Which began to drown out my fears.

Definitely a great answer to a prayer. One that I still incorporate to this very day. It works 100% of the time when I act accordingly. (And you know I have ditched it a couple of times. And the results were horrible! Disastrous!)

I was talking to a friend about the 72 hour time period. You know me, I like to ponder stuff backwards and forwards, from side to side, lol.

She said, "You know Oldgirl, that's 3 days, the time between Jesus' death on the cross and his resurrection."

I told her "Girl, you deep off the pages. Just fell off the page of the book. Go sit your deep tail down somewhere."

LOL

I prefer to think of it as the time needed for me to cool down. Some people need 10 minutes in the nearest bathroom stall. I'm a bit touched - I need 72 hours.

And for God to take care of a few things for me in the process is a bonus.

And you know what? That's good enough for this Oldgirl.

It really is.