Post 4: That Thing Called Passion

I am still early on in the 40 by 40 post quest...

It's 36 days before my 40th birthday.

And even though I posted today, I wanted to stay on track and post in the series, despite the holiday.

I fell asleep last night around one in the morning. I'd spent a couple of hours lounging in the living room, doing a little writing, and watching my church's Watch Night Service on the internet. I ended up moving from my easy chair to the sofa, as I didn't think it was a good idea to sit so close to my long transom windows with all the fire crackers (and gunfire) going off something crazy.

I yelled "Happy New Year" to my sister, who was camped out upstairs in her room. She yelled the same back.

That was the gist of my New Year. My party days are over. I'm too old to be out drunk in the streets, lol...

I didn't sleep all that well last night, as the text message tones kept sounding on my phone with Happy New Years texts galore (why didn't I just turn it OFF?)

But I woke up this morning, in the ensuing quiet, thinking about one thing.

Passion.

No not the passion you're thinking about.

Not the caught-up-in-my-man-loving-all-night kind of passion.

I'm talking about passion.

That deep burning fire that burns deep inside of you.

That all encompassing love you have for the things you oh so love to do.

That something that flows like a river just beneathe your skin.

That passion.

Yes, I woke up thinking about passion.

That passion that is defined as a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything.

I've been wanting to write this post for years but I didn't know how to write it. Didn't know how to express it in an eloquent way, from my heart.

Because things are all jumbled from that perspective.

I still don't know if I can... If I can explain how I've feel inside about this thing...

This thing called passion.

I know one thing. I get all excited when I watch a movie or tv show where someone is truly passionate about something they do.

Two of my favorite movies from that perspective are Contact and Twister.

The main characters were strong women, strong scientists. In Twister, the main character was passionate about chasing tornadoes. In Contact, the main character was passionate about making contact, communicating with aliens in outer space.

In both cases, the women went after their goals with every fire in their beings.

I get excited when I see these movies, and I make sure to watch them whenever they happen to come on.

At the same time, I get teary-eyed.

For I wish I had what they had.

I wish I had that thing called passion.

It's just gone.

It's not like it was stolen by some desperate thief. It's more like it slipped out of a cracked window in the middle of the night, when I wasn't looking... or paying attention.

I wish I went to sleep at night thinking about my chosen profession. I wish I'd awaken in the morning thinking about that profession, can't even wait to get to work, working long hours, even at home, on that profession for which I'm so deeply passionate.

We were in the lab a few weeks ago. I was bone tired, had been working furiously all day, and I said to a coworker "You know, I feel like Swarzenegger at the end of The Terminator, where that bright red light in his eye just slowly faded away."

We laughed about it. It was funny.

But at the same time it was not.

The bright light in my eye has just

Slowly

Faded

Away.

It's a hard hard thing to realize that I have no passion for what I do. A very hard thing.

I've felt like this for so long that I can't even begin to pinpoint where the slow burn out begin.

I woke up, in the cool and quiet of the morning, thinking of it.

That thing called passion.

I sat on the edge of the bed (after shooing ol' trusty Oscar-Tyrone out the way), and carried out my usual morning devotion of hallowing the many names of God. (I should post that. You'd find it interesting.) I prayed for my family and friends, hoping they'd have a better year than the last.

I remember praying for myself. About passion.

Asking God to help me reignite that thing called passion.

A passion for my profession. A passion for that thing I once loved so much.

I need that.

That thing called passion.

The prayer has been put out there. The Good Book said, ask and you shall receive.

You have not because you ask not.

Well I'm asking... doggonit. From the bottom of my heart.

There is a caveat there... You receive, if only believe you receive.

I have to work on that core, that root of believing.

Because it is something I, the Oldgirl truly, truly need in my life.