Post 13: Vision Board Personal Statment, Part 3

Happy lazy Sunday afternoon...

Yes, I am being quite lazy. I know I better get my post done today though.

If I do that, then my day has been worthwhile.

I think I will continue with my Vision Board statement. This is REALLY do much for me, as I can get a clearer understanding of where I am when it comes to meeting the goal of fulfilling it.

I am examining the first part of the third line today. It is highlighted below in green.

"I am 100% healthy in my body, soul, and spirit. I acknowledge God in all my ways, and I seek Him before I make any decisions, big or small. I am a blessing to my family and to those that God sends across my path. I am an incredible asset to my friends. I am a good listener. I am an excellent employee, and I not only work hard, but I work smart. I take time to periodically evaluate myself, and I make changes accordingly. I stick and hold fast to the path God has charted out for my life. I accept and openly welcome constructive criticism, as I know it will help me become "a better me". I am a good steward, a fine manager over the finances He has blessed me with, to the point that God knows He can trust me."

Ahhh... family.

That's another one of those "F" words for me. (As you can recall I've talked about other "F" words in the past, like forgiveness and finances. Not sure why my areas of struggle begin with "F".)

And of course, this is a VERY hard post to write.

We don't have a tight knit family. I think people began to disperse and do their own thing when the patriarch of our family, my grandfather, died a few years ago.

We don't get together much anymore. I rarely spend holidays with the family as a group. I've sort of been absorbed into the big families of my friends.

You know it's a trip when there is much hustle and bustle in a family that is not my own.

"Will Lee be here? Is she coming to the get-together? Can someone call her up?"

You know, there has been a tremendous amount of provision in that area, to a point that I will NEVER fully comprehend it. Yes, I am thankful for it all. But it will always be a question in my mind: why can't God make my family close knit, instead of allowing me to be absorbed into other families? The former seems much easier and logical than the latter.

Let's just say, I have my fair share of family barbeques, holiday gatherings, fish frys and the like... all up in somebody's else's family.

I love a good gathering. Playing cards, talking trash... heck, I've even had to cut up chicken, and clean collards. (I've had to hear too many times "Lee, what you sitting there for. You ain't a guest, you family, so get your behind in that kitchen and help out!")

LOL.

But these things don't go on with my own family.

I've been pretty much ghost in the past few years. Me and my mother do not get along. Well, I don't even speak much to her when we are in the same place. I am polite as I should be, hey, how you doing, how's it going, ya-ya-yah...

But I noticed a pattern of mess going on after our family gatherings. I would be in trouble, and not even know or remember what I did. (Beleive me, I am very much cognizant of every word, every movement, or every thought I have during these times. My nerves are wrecked in the process, but whatever). She would have some wierd off the wall mess to say about me after the gatherings. This made up stuff doesn't suprised me, as she is very dramatic and likes to keep craziness going. But I hated the angst it was causing other family members. I have this weird empathy thing going on: it's okay if you beat me in the ground. I expect such. But man, it hurts my heart to see my brother or sister or other family memebers stressed out by her behaviour.

Maybe it's just best if I'm not around.

So as a result, I've retreated. I rather just go hang out with someone else's family. I have a good time. I can be myself. I don't have to think about every little word I say. I actually look forward to gatherings instead of dreding them. I can breathe freely.

Let's just say, the holidays are better for me. My sis is this way, on the undercover tip. No more family gatherings, especially forced even more on holidays. We enjoy our holidays more as a result.

With that said, my thermostat is still set on that part of the sentence, probably the most improbable part of the vision statement. It is more of a wish, a deep desire.

I am a blessing to my family.

I long to be a blessing to my family. I love my family.

But these days, it is in context of what it is. I am not approved of by my mother, and at this age, uh, I've given up on that. But I have other members of the family I am close to, and try to do for.
How have I come along in being a blessing to my family?

Well, I am not a millionaire. I in no way can "make it rain.."

Most who know me know that I am a highly intangible person.

And it's something I have had to actively pray about over the years. It is that something that is in my heart, but not knowing what to do to carry it out.

For one thing, I've always tried to help my siblings. My sister Kentucky has lived with me for over 5 years. I do well enough where she don't have to chip in on rent/mortgage or bills. That's my way of helping her out, sowing seed into her. Over the years, she's done much... like working on her own debt, going back to school for her Masters, and just saving and completing various goals. She says she's moving in May, trying to buy her own house, I think. I am glad I've been able to be of some assistance to her.

That is how I've helped her.

I've been the same with my brother. He's been a bit miffed with me over the past 2 years, but that's okay. (I tend to upset people like that.) But I have helped him over the years. He's in Iraq fighting for our country, and I do FULLY understand the best way to help him: stay in agreement in prayer with him in order to keep him safe and sound in a trying place and time such as he is in. I want him to come home to be with his son. Really.

Those two young people have been the concentration of my being of some help to my family.

One person that I long to be of help to is my Auntie Joyce. She is the one (and me and my siblings have always known this and laughed about it) who you go talk to when you need to share your feelings or you got problems. It is a no-no to talk to our Mama, because whatever you say... well, it will be used against you in some way later- for years to come. So best just to dodge her. That's a big risk telling her anything. Big risk.

But Auntie Joyce has had to play the Mama role in my life. I know it has stressed her out, because me and my Mama battle on the mental tip, and she has had to help me deal with my emotions. I remember when I was 19, she told me "Will you stop listening to her? Don't listen to her!" That had to be the best advice ever given, as I would've slitted my throat by now from all the mental and emotional acrobatics. She has been a blessing, and I long to be a blessing to her.

I do little things for her. I will send her a note in the mail, to let her know how much I love and think of her. We talk on the phone for long hours. And I look forward to any time we get together. I must tell you, her dining room table is like some type of sacred place for me. We sit there and do our crafts, and watch movies. And we talk. She was the first family member I told about my divorce, and we talked about it. (Never told mother. I think she may know by now). But just being at that table of hers holds some special place in my heart. She's helped me straighten out my feelings on many things, especially since she is the LadyLee blog's number one fan.

I long to be a bigger blessing in her life, for all she has done to unravel the confusion in my mind over the years.

One person that I have successfully been a blessing to is my Grandmother. I wanted to do something for her, even if it was small, but Grandma (who I call "Mama", cause my own mama and uncles and aunt called her that) has always been one person who was happy to see me. 'Til this day, even with her 5'0" tall self, and my 5'8" self, she still calls me "Little Girl" or "Sugar Girl". This use to bother me something terrible when I was in my 20s, but as I got older, it was something that made me smile, and know that I meant much to her. I like that she still sees me as 5 years old, lol.

But some 2 years ago, my aunt told me that Grandma wouldn't drive much because of the high gas prices. She wouldn't buy certain things at the grocery store. I don't like that. Heck, she's worked all her life, and goes through that. That ain't right. So I put her on one of my accounts, and gave her a debit card. (It was a trip trying to teach her how to use it.) I told her it could be for her gas and groceries, and if she need major repairs, to let me know, so I could save up the money and assist in someway. That has worked out well for the past 2 years. I have to fight her on the gas thing (she only buys 10 dollars worth at a time), but I am glad she can just jump in the car and go where she wants to go, or go into a grocery store without worrying about what to buy.

It's a little thing, I know, but it's a start. It's something.

I know I can't be everything to everyone in the family. I have to accept the fact that we just don't get together. Ain't nobody's fault but it is what it is.

But I also must remain hopeful that I will fulfill that one desire:

I am a blessing to my family.

It's a hard one to navigate, you know, doing things from your heart, and doing things from the pressure of "this here is family".

Over time, I hope to see myself progress in the area.

For as I look back, I already see that I've come a very long way.