Here we go again...
Another politician caught cheating.
You know the story. It's been the top story in the news.
This time, it's the good Govenor of South Carolina.
Same news conference, same groveling...
And I suppose I'm suppose to feel sorry for you.
"Woo, woo, woo!
"That's all you get for me.
Plus my rules for bypassing getting caught in the first place.
These rules are not only for the good Governor, but for other politicians who've had to stand at the same podium, in the past... and in the future.
LadyLee's Rules for the Cheating Politician
(In no particular order of importance)
1. When you step to the microphone to confess what you have done, don't bring your wife and family. We all know she cussed you out. She probably picked up the closest thing and tried to knock the ish out of you.We know she's not the supportive wife. You made her come out there with you. You're not fooling anyone.
2. Have a rendezvous with a chick who's at least 35 years or older. Young chicks tend to run their mouths.
3. You'll get more respect from the public if you just say "I got caught! My bad!", instead of invoking God and saying you have sinned. Go somewhere and straigthen that out between you and God and your fam in private. Even though you may be sincere, the real deal is you got caught and wouldn't be up groveling and crying if you didn't get CAUGHT.
4. Do not cry when you step to the microphone. I do not feel sorry for you because you got caught and just ruined your career. Man up, and stop being a punk.
5. Be sure to thank your wife for not getting on camera and saying what she really thinks of your cheating behind. Because let's face it: she knew what was going on long before us common folks knew. She could REALLY mess you up if she wanted to. She probably won't, because she's taking you to the cleaners in divorce court.
6. Don't have a baby with your mistress. If you do, pay her off real good so she won't rat you out.
7. Tell one of your homies what you are doing. And there are always a bunch of brownnosing staffers looking to get in good with you. Use them too to lie for you. Maybe they can run interference for you.
8. Be careful what you say about your mistress. You were whispering in her ear how much you love her in the late midnight hour. Don't act like she was just a ho to you, or a "dear friend". She might show up and rat you out. Be careful how you speak of her.
9. Do not use government property (cars, planes, credit cards) to do your dirt. I as a taxpayer don't appreciate paying for your twerking on the side.
10. Don't do the honorable thing and resign from your position. Do it only if you are forced by some judge's order. Let's face it, you're going to lose the next election anyway. Might as well stay in that position while you can.
11. If other politicians try to talk trash about what you did, throw out as many subtle hints as possible involving knowing that they too are a bunch of cheaters. (Or just be like me... be brash with it and say "Keep hatin' and I'm droppin' a dime on some of ya'll). That would shut everybody up real quick.
12. Technology has come a long way. This means no romantic emails, phone calls, tweets, or facebook. As you can see, that stuff can be pulled up. I don't like seeing your romantic correspondence splayed across my television screen. Do yourself a favor and buy some throw-a-way phones or learn some morse code.
13. You make enough money to fly your mistress to town and put her up in a nice hotel on the outskirts of town. This is much easier than flying to another country.
There are many more rules, I suppose. But that's the gist of it.
You know, I ain't gonna too much judge the man. We all do dirt. Thank goodness I am an everyday citizen and haven't had to worry about my dirty laundry being put out there for the world to see.
My thing is: Don't piss on my head and tell me it's raining.
If you got caught, man up, and say you got caught. Stop with all the excuses and trying to make us feel sorry for you.
You ruined your family and political career over a piece of a**.
(Excuse my language).
And that's your fault. Not mine.
Hopefully I won't have to see any more perfect politicians step to the mike and confess...
(And we know that's just a pipe dream, right?)