Day Twenty-Nine - Your Aspirations

Aspiration.

That's a big word. And I wasn't too sure what it meant.

So you know me, I had to go look it up.

An Aspiration is a strong desire, longing, or aim; a goal or objective desired.

There are plenty of interesting synonyms for the word aspiration: aim, ambition, ambitiousness, craving, desire, direction, dream, eagerness, endeavor, fire in the belly, hankering, inclination, longing, object, objective, passion, pursuit, push, right stuff, urge, vocation, wish, work, yearning.

The one phrase above that sparks my interest is "fire in the belly".

Is there anything that creates a "Fire in my belly"?

Well, I read the aspirations of others who have done this post already, and my lists are not like theres. Like, I've already did the school thing. Ain't no way in hell I'm going back to school, when I have a doctorate under my belt.

Like, I would LOVE to publish a piece of my creative writing. Pieces of my writing litter the floors of the House of LadyLee. I plan to pick up a little and submit it.

One of my favorite dreams that has come true was to meet my favorite author. Not only did I meet her, I got that broad phone number, and I can call her up and harrass her whenever I please. (Don't worry, she can call and harrass me too, LOL(

I'm a homeowner, 5 years counting. That dream is done.

I've been married. Not sure how I feel about going through that again.

I have aspirations, but they aren't as fire driven as those in the past.

I remember having a dollar figure in mind of how much I wanted to make a year, to feel alright. I've surpassed that amount by 20,000 bucks a year. That's a dream come true. But I must say that for years, I've been believing for making 15% past that amount.

But my aspirations right now, I'm beginning to see, as I get older are moving more towards the intangible... that is, more of the emotional and mental.

They are nonmaterial in nature.

And I've always felt: the tangible is born from the intangible.

1. One of my biggest aspirations is to be a very generous woman. Very generous.

I was telling my sister, it would be nice to drop 5, 10, 20 grand on someone, and REALLY change their lives. That is LIFE CHANGING right there.

But I can't do that. I try to do the small things these days. Small things like being able to help someone's dream or goal come true. I had a pastor say, many years ago- and I will always remember this:

If you got a dream, and you haven't reached it... go find someone with a similar dream and get busy helping to make their dream come true.

I thought that was profound. Very simple in it's meaning, yet deep at the same time, in what it breeds in you: it develops faithfulness, sincerity, maybe, even, dare say I, a little joy in seeing someone else accomplish their goal.

Being generous squeezes out selfishness. I grew up in a terribly selfish environment. I want to work towards being more selfless than selfish.

And to be that way out of the sincerety of my heart.

2. I aspire to be healthy, to be well. I was diagnosed with lupus some eight and a half years ago. I remember the doctor telling me what I had, and sitting there silently listening to him, and my asking the simple question, with no fear in my voice "Is it fatal?"

I remember walking out to my car, and calling my cubicle mate Cowgirl Cre, and asking her to look up anything she could find for me on this lupus.

I remember that same day, going to my local bookstore and sitting in one of the comfortable chairs and reading...

And reading... And reading.

I know what it is to get so very sick, and having to learn to walk again. And one of my greatest triumphs is being dressed when my baby bro came home in the afternoon from school, and holding on to his shirt tail as we walked to the stop sign up the street from my mother's house... and back to the house again.

It was a walk that should've taken only 2 or 3 minutes, but took us 1o. I just wanted my legs to get stronger. Just to be able to walk without thinking about it.

(You couldn't tell me nothing when me and the boy walked all the way around the block. NOTHING. You would've thought I'd ran a full marathon, lol).

Today, over 8 years later, one of my greatest joys is getting up and walking in the mornings, sometimes just 1.5 miles, or on a good day, 3 miles when I feel up to it. It's funny when the elderly bypass me, as I only walk about 2.25 miles an hour, but that's okay.

I'm walking.

Walking and watching the sun rise over the trees is one of my purest joys, the quiet and calm eye in the storm of the hustle and bustle of my life.

But I dream of being healthy. No lupus at all. The thing going into remission. A clean clean bill of health.

One of my coworker's niece has lupus and he said to me one day "Girl, Ya'll know ya'll take a lot of medicine. Ya'll line that medicine up."

I nodded. I line my medicine up, too. And there's nothing worse than my monthly trip to the pharmacy. I have to get 6 prescriptions filled each time. I know my pharmacist and I argued one time because of the cost of one of my subscriptions.

"Yo," I told the pharmacist. "I don't want a month's supply. Give me twenty dollars worth."
*Pharmacist raises eyebrow*
"Don't look at me like that. It's the principle. That medicine is as much as one of my utiltiy bills. I'll feel better if I don't get it all of that particular one at one time. I'll just come back and get it."

I'll feel better if I dont' get it all at one time. How about I will feel better if I don't get it AT ALL?

If I don't need it at all.

That is my dream. To not need the medicine.

I tell you, the vegetarian thing helps. I can't seem to get down past the 95% no meat mark, but hell, it helps. Killed out a bunch of symptoms. If I can get my head straight, I'd put a rush on that other 5%. But I think I'd have to be living out in the desert alone to do that.

Or on the planet of Mars.

Still a dream. An aspiration. One worth hoping for. One worth having faith for.

Those are my aspirations. What I desire. What puts a small fire in my belly.

And with my faith, the eye of my imagination, I'll always keep the fire burning.