Saturday, August 21, 2010

Day Nineteen - Something You Regret

Now this is a post I've been thinking about for a few days.

Something I regret.

Regret means to me that I made a decision, chose a direction at one of the many forks of the road in my life, and I figure out now through hindsight, that it was the wrong decision.

And I mourn making such a decision.

That decision, that one thing that I regretted is getting married.

Simple as that.

I got married in 1999. I got divorced in 2003.

It began. It ended.

Simple as that.

Or is it ever that simple?

Not really. My guy was a good guy. He had his problems. I had mine. My thought process was that "We've been together for 5 years, he's been my man for 5 years, and I don't plan on dealing with anyone else so we might as well make a go of it."

Yep. That was the reasoning of my 29-year-old mind. Never mind that we fought alot. Never mind that he was in the strip clubs. Never mind that his credit was in the toilet. Never mind that I had anger problems, was a consummate loner, and was focused full force on my own needs and career.

Never mind any of that.

"Me and him been together for 5 years, might as well get married."

And that's what we did. And it went to dust.

It is something I regretted. It did something for me, in some way. I can't say I've ever come out of something I've regretted, a bit emotionally beat up, but wiser from the experience.

I'm not bitter, just wiser.

I've gotten in trouble with men.

Because I love the 4 letter word:


A guy told me "You like to talk. It's like I can't run game on you. You hypnotize me, got me telling you the deep dark things, things I have never told a woman."

That's because I need to know it ALL. My life is important. Your life is important. I listen very well. I listen to my inner-voice.

Can't have us mucking up each other's life path. Marriage is hard work, 24-7, with no time-outs, no vacation days. It's HARD work. I found it harder than all my schooling. HARD work. Not sure I'll go through that again. It'll have to be the right person, right place, right time... ALL that.

It bothers me, all these dire reports of the single black woman and how woeful life is.

Instead of that, what should be of concern is the following: "Do you have wholeness, in mind, heart, body, and spirt, even as a single black woman?"

A hard question indeed. More difficult to evaluate truthfully within ones own self, than some busted statistics, statistics that devalue our self-esteem and lower our self-worth.

Before I come to the next fork in the road, where I have to make the hard choices such as those concerning marriage...

I need to be cognizant, fully sober in my thinking, and make sure I'm operating from a place of inner peace.

I want to be a blessing, and not a curse to someone's life. And I know now to consider someone who would be the same for me. And who's well developed in that mindset, even in their single life. Anything short of that, well, in my opinion, is just me operating out of selfishness, bad motives, and bad agendas.

That's the only way to do the right thing. And to make the proper progress.

And to not do something that I will truly regret.

1 comment:

Slap the *crickets* out the way, kindly step up to the mike, and SAY something!!